The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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