That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
You can't special order awesome
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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