I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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