im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
