Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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