Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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