There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
