If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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