Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
