OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
