Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
me + whiskey = a bad person
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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