Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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