my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
