just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
