You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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