Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
