he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
