if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize