We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
