I'm so fucking centered right now
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
