im drinking this country out of the recession.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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