Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
