The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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