Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
