It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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