I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
