Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
