hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
