look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
