so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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