the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
