I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
