I think I won the penis lottery.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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