4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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