i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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