I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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