All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
