i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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