Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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