i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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