I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
