if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize