I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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