when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
