Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
