I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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