i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
