i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
