i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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