Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
