I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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