They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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