Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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