I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
