There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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