Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Duck Duck Cougar?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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